For all my education, friends, close colleagues and personal therapy, I can’t seem to find solace for the deep state of mourning I’m in. I’m grief-stricken, heartbroken at the loss of my daughter. My tears are too close to the surface and I’ve said for some time that for me it is worse than death. It is an unresolved, needless loss but the worst part isn’t even about me. I mourn for my daughter who will never again have her sense of delight in the world. (Warshak, 2010, para. 25). This comment was made by a distraught mother, a mother who was a child psychologist, and who mourned the loss of her daughter because of parental alienation.
My heart goes out to this woman and to the thousands of others who have been through or are going through parental alienation. As part of my research for my advanced degree in psychology, I have spent thousands of hours researching and writing about this controversial, important, and life-changing subject. Parental alienation is a subject that I have personal as well as professional experience in. As much as I am professionally interested in this topic and the effect it has on families, sometimes I find myself overwhelmed with feelings of anger, frustration, and sadness. I would like to do more work in this area, but as someone who is naturally optimistic and happy, I find the topic brings up so many conflicted and unresolved feelings in me; uncomfortable feelings that are indicative of something near and dear to my heart. Instead of dwelling on the dis-empowering thoughts and feelings that arise in me as I study the subject, I have focused my research on uncovering the reasons about how and why parental alienation occurs. It has only recently come to the forefront of research, as professionals begin to take it seriously and recognize both the importance and the negative impact upon children who experience parental alienation. I would like to be a part of the solution by helping to eradicate parental alienation. This can be done by educating people about the signs and symptoms of alienation as well as enlightening others about what happens to our children and to the targeted parents when parental alienation occurs.
Let’s look at what parental alienation is. The concept of parental alienation originated from Wallerstein & Kelly’s work with divorcing families in the 1970’s. It was then that they identified a phenomenon known as “pathological alignment.” The term “parental alienation” was later coined by Richard Gardner in the mid-80’s to describe the act of one parent consciously or unconsciously turning a child against the other parent (Bow, Gould, & Flens, 2009).
The website for the Parental Alienation Awareness Organization defines parental alienation as:
Parental Alienation is the act of one parent deliberately undermining the relationship between the children and the other parent to the point of creating a hostile relationship and thus alienation of the children from the other parent. Another way to look at this is alienation of affection, which is one of the basic human needs discussed at length by Maslow in his Hierarchy of Needs. It is a serious form of psychological abuse, and it is very dangerous because it occurs internally and, thus, is harder to treat. Unlike physical abuse where the scars and wounds are on the outside, Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is so deep inside that unlocking the key to it takes years of treatment and unconditional love (Kloth-Zanard, J., n.d., ¶ 1).
Their definition is more indicative of those who are suffering moderate to severe alienation. Mild parental alienation is, surprisingly, fairly common following the break-up of parents. As the ex-partners work out their feelings and grief about the loss of the relationship, the alienation tactics subside. Many parents do not even realize they are doing anything wrong, but negative comments about the other parent in front of the child or within earshot, sabotaging parenting time, undermining the other parent and other behaviors all work to subtly “brainwash” a child into loyalty and alignment to one parent if the behaviors are not stopped.
Since the onset of parental alienation, it has been hard to discern for laypeople and professionals alike whether it is used as an excuse to gain custody, whether the child is undergoing genuine abuse at the hands of the targeted parent, or if it is psychological sabotage on the part of the alienating parent. One thing is clear: The relationship toward the targeted parent is severely damaged. This is what is meant by parental alienation. The alienated child has aligned themselves with the alienating parent, with the targeted parent suffering from the loss, both physical and psychological, of their child. Simultaneously, the alienator is getting their needs met, but at the expense of the child and the alienated parent.
Gardner’s criteria of parental alienation.
Richard Gardner has done extensive work involving parental alienation and parental alienation syndrome (PAS). Parental alienation, according to Gardner (1998), can be diagnosed using eight different criteria:
- · A campaign of denigration
- · Weak, frivolous, or absurd rationalizations for the deprecation
- · Lack of ambivalence
- · The “independent thinker” phenomenon
- · Reflexive support of the loved parent in the parental conflict
- · Absence of guilt over the denigration and/or exploitation of the “hated” parent
- · The presence of borrowed scenarios
- · Spread of the animosity to the friends and/or extended family of the hated parent. (p. 3)
These criteria may vary in intensity according to each particular case, and all eight criteria need not be met in order for a child to be considered alienated by a parent (Baker & Darnall, 2007).
TO BE CONTINUED…
*Let me know about your experience with parental alienation. If you have a comment to make or want to share additional sources of information on this important subject, please use the comment box below.
References
Baker, A. J. L. (2006). Patterns of parental alienation syndrome: A qualitative study of adults who were alienated from a parent as a child. The American Journal of Family Therapy , 34, 63-78. Doi: 10.1080/01926180500301444
Baker, A. J. L. & Darnall, D. C. (2007). A construct study of the eight symptoms of severe Parental Alienation Syndrome: A survey of parental experiences. Journal ofDivorce and Remarriage, 47(1), p. 55-75. Retrieved December November 29, 2010 fromwww.informaworld.com.
Bow, J. N., Gould, J. W., & Flens, J. R. (2009). Examining parental alienation in child custody cases: A survey of mental health and legal professionals. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 37, 127-145. Doi: 10:1080/01926180801960658.
Gardner, R. A. (1998). Recommendations for dealing with parents who induce a parental alienation syndrome in their children. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage,28(3), 1-23. Retrieved November 30, 2010 from www.informaworld.com.
Kloth-Zanard, J. (n.d.). Parental alienation in older children. Retrieved April 10, 2011 from http://www.parental-alienation-awareness.com/article.asp?articleid=199
Mone, J. G. & Biringen, Z. (2006). Perceived parent-child alienation. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 45(3), 131-156. Retrieved November 29, 2010 fromwww.informaworld.com.
Warshak, R. A. (2010). Family Bridges: Using insights from social science to reconnect parents and alienated children. Family Court Review. Retrieved January 8, 2011 from lexisNexis.
(Some of these above-mentioned references are used in second part of the article)
Many thanks for this post and for your blog on the whole. I’ve just subscribed to your news feed.
Lots of great reading here, thank you! I was seeking on yahoo when I discovered your publish, I’m going to add your feed to Google Reader, I look forward to much more from you.
I want to thank you for having this information available about PA!! I just recently learned about PA and PAS on the internet. I’ve been separated for 3 years from my children’s father, a full-blown narcissist. I have not seen our youngest child 18, for about 4 months. I did see her once pass by our house, but there was very little acknowledgement from her when I said hello…I realize now that this is how he wants my relationship to be with her, very distant! I have missed important milestones in her life, because I just do not want to see him. And now I realize how much I am still letting him control my life and my relationship with my child! Now I need to try to pick up the pieces of my relationship with my child, who fortunately has not lived with him for too long. Thanks again for being here!!
Thanks Trish for the feedback. Sometimes when we seek to maintain safe boundaries from others, like an ex, we end up inadvertently creating misunderstandings from others who are close to us, like our children. And sometimes, like you said, you don’t even know what PA is (my therapist told me what it was after our oldest left to go live with her dad). I am hopeful you and your daughter can reconnect – it sounds like you have had years of creating a solid bond between you- that doesn’t go away. Often when we go through acrimonious break-ups (narcissists and others with personality disorders tend to have a hard time moving on – actually, allowing their partners to move on), it is all we can do to keep our worlds together. I wish you the very best. Your daughter is doing the best she can, too. She probably needs to hear how much you love her and you’ll always be there for her. A friend recently shared a letter in the book Divorce Poison that an alienated mother had sent to her daughter. It may be helpful to you, too. Thanks again for sharing your story. You and so many others are the voices behind the hurt, the sadness, frustration, and anger of so many alienated parents. Unless we become educated about what it is, many of these alienated children will grow up to be depressed, suffer from low self-esteem, have trust issues, and even repeat the pattern of alienation with their own families.
My ex-husband has been dating his social worker therapist before, during and after our divorce. He lives with her in his apartment where my three boys have gone during visitation and now most often. Unfortunately he has violated our written settlement by taking our then 15 yr old (now 17 yr old) to a therapist selected by this social worker/girlfriend without me knowing for 1.5 years.. We have joint legal custody and I have full physical custody. Our agreement states that all decisions for our minor children must be made together and the minor chidren cannot see doctors or therapists, etc based on unilateral decisions made by one parent. We even have a mental health mediator which my ex refuses to see with me. My 17 year old son stays at his father’s house always and appears uncomfortable when I call him. He tells me that he is going to come over but does not. I make him lunch everyday for school, call him. take him out to eat and tell him that I love him. He was recently very sick. I took him to the doctor, he stayed with me then went back to his father who lives with his therapist/social worker girlfriend . He is seeing a psychiatrist who his father chose with the girlfriend. I spoke to the psychiatrist and will see her with my son but it appears he first went alone, then with the father and they will see me in one month (very close to his 18th birthday…seems to be an agenda to further alienate me). I keep calling the father and sending certified letters appealing to him. He yells and screams at me if he even takes my calls which is very rare.
My 20 year old was away at school, had a breakdown, his father knew and everyone kept it a secret. When he returned home, I took him to the doctor and found out he had mononeucleosis. The young adult suffered alone and away from home. I sought help for him but he chose the therapist and psychiatrist his father and social worker girlfriend encouraged him to see. They even advised him to see a “new” doctor other than the one our boys have seen for over 2o years (and diagnosed the mono) and has always been there for them. This was done to further alienate him from those who were associated with me.
I have always loved my boys an I tell them that I love them evertime I call them. I send them food (to school away from home) and have handled all their medical needs. They still call me when the hand is crushed or they are very ill.
Please note that my ex initiated the divorce and told my little boys before I even knew. He told them, “That I gave him no choice”. There were no grounds for the divorce. I kept the transcripts to prove that he made up grounds.
Attorneys want to take my case and go after my ex but I am afraid that he will use this to further alienate my boys who have been brainwashed. Money is tight and the attorneys make promises that they do not always keep
This alienation has led to to emotional stress for my boys and I am truly sad that they must suffer and be deprived of the love both parents may give. I never deprived my children of their father and have notified him of every illness and doctor’s visit and injuries/treatment while they were with me.
Thank you for sharing your story. I’ve written a reply to you personally through your email and for privacy’s sake have omitted your email and last name here on the site. You and so many others have written to me from all over the world about your pain and about how PA/PAS has affected you and your children. People don’t realize the harm or the gravity of what’s happening until they actually experience it themselves. Even then, it’s the alienated that is hurting; that is doing all they can to find out what is going on and how to stop it. The alienator doesn’t care–they are getting their needs met in unfortunately an unhealthy way–at the expense of a child’s. It’s frustrating, it makes you so angry, it is the loss of a child in so many ways, it feels unfair, and it is harmful/abusive to a child. I wish you the best in your endeavor to figure it all out and to “get” your children back. Children need both parents in their lives and should never have to feel like they have to choose. In fact, look at Maria Shriver’s kids–they haven’t chosen one parent over another because Arnold cheated on their mother. That says a lot about how Maria is as a person and that their kids are balanced enough to make up their own minds. The ex could be the biggest schmuck in the world–that usually isn’t the children’s experience of them, only the ex’s. As adults, our role is not to taint a child to see things from the hurt adult’s perspective. Kids need parents, not spousal stand-ins or best friends.
Here is my personal experience with Parental Alienation. Warning, strong language. I’d be interested in any feedback. I hope this video helps other people in similar situations. Thanks.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJDsruc-xxg
David–thanks for sharing your story (and I also appreciate the disclaimer @ the youtube video). I am wondering how many others have an ex who is emotionally abusive and is also an alienator. I know there are links to narcissism and borderline personality disorder.
I get so many people writing to me, commenting, even calling me from all over the world who are going through PA. The stories are horrifying and sad. Often the alienated feel powerless to do anything, especially when the court turns its back on us or slaps the perpetrator on the wrist. And, the kids end up with more power than the targeted parent, often parrotting the abuse the alienator has indoctrinated into them (I use the word “indoctrinated” because it is very cult-like how badly the children are influenced).
I’m sorry you have to go through this. You’ve recorded it should you need it in court. Next, I’d ask to go to a therapist with your wife and your child. If she doesn’t want to go, bring your child. This is doing emotional and psychological damage to her and she is getting some horrible modeling. Find someone who is familiar with alienation and knows the complexities involved with it.
And, I would advise you, unless you want to continue recording for future evidence, to find a way to disengage from the arguments. And, yes, they sound like they get irrational and the anger behind them is not helping your relationship with your child if she is overhearing this stuff. Do this for your kid and walk away even if it means your ex gets even angrier at you. You can’t argue with a “drunk person.” It doesn’t get you anywhere.
David, I belong to a couple forums on Facebook which supports parents who are alienated from their children. There are some wonderful people there as well as resources.
I was the target and my two sons the victims of PAS about five years ago. Now I’m researching the subject for a book on noncustodial mothers I hope to finish before the end of the year. I’ve been reading all these stories, and my heart just breaks for all these torn-up, broken people! All these children with their psyches just senselessly shredded, and the parents who have to endure being ejected from the lives of their kids, so very much pain and loss! All to serve the needs of the truly broken people, the alienators, who will inflict this without remorse to save themselves the pain of looking within to address the real issues. There are many things that can be done to correct this problem, and the awareness that’s been generated in the years since I experienced it is a very good start.
Gina–Thanks for your comment. I think your personal experience combined with your professional interest in PA/PAS will help the legal/psychological community tremendously. Good luck with your book! I wonder, too, if those parents who are restricted access–due to the alienator or the court system–are more often the targeted parents. Your work with noncustodial mothers sounds like an interesting read. Let me know when you finish it and I’ll feature it here on nicolenenninger.com. I can’t tell you how many people write to me from all over the world with their stories of alienation–and I make it a point to respond to each and every one of them so they can feel heard. Thanks for sharing yours. ~Nicole
Thanks very much for the responses. Most of the recordings are actually years old. We are now divorced and have little interaction, which is good. The not so good thing is that my eldest son remains completely alienated from me and has taken on many of the same personality traits you hear in the video. I still love him very much, but right now he is out of my reach.
Your describing the phenomenon as “cult-like” is spot on!
Hi David–
Sorry to hear about your relationship with your oldest son. I think sometimes, when kids grow up and have families of their own, when their frontal lobes (the seat of rationality, judgment, and emotion control) are done developing and when they are away from the negative, manipulative, and exploitive influences in their lives–that’s when they many of these kids come around. PAS’s lesson is to teach us to become better parents and better people. We don’t have control over what the exes do, but we have 100% control over what we do and think. There’s a tremendous amount of loss involved, but the strength gained from going through this as we process our anger, frustration, and grief — well, it can be a powerful learning opportunity to know more about ourselves (of knowing our strength, of knowing our worth, and accepting our children just as they are in spite of the painful things they do/say). One piece of advice: don’t give up hope (which doesn’t mean banging your head against the wall and taking the jabs that your child/ren give out, or dropping everything you do so you can become focused on the anger and other disempowering emotions instead of moving on with life–sounds like another article to write!).
I escaped my abusive husband with my life and some sanity. I was advised to leave the state and moved near my adult son. My ex went after him psychologically with a vengence and our adult daughter. He destroyed our home, my credit, property, abused the dogs, isolated me from former family members and is still stalking me in his style. I went from being “I love you mom, you are the best” to “you are delusional”, his degradation now coming out of my children’s mouths. Pure insane cult programming. Thank goodness I had copied alot of my ex’s writings. Had a them examined by two separate professional forensic examiners, both came back “signs of paranoid schizophrenia”, “unstable aggression”, “more than capable of murder/suicide”, “deeply disturbed”, “mind game player”, etc. etc.. He went after everything I loved and valued out of sheer impulsive vengence. Divorcing him has been a nightmare. He is a master manipulator, who destroyed his own property to hurt me. I live a mile from my son and it is a mess. He is frantic in his attempts to defend the undefendable, runs, pulled my daughter in law into the game and withholds my granddaughter who was named after me. I am healing, while witnessing incredible denial and corruption of their own values and morals in spite of very obvious destruction by their father. He exploits their vulnerabilities at an evil level. It almost seems like he has used his veiled threat tactics on them also. I have not been able to get his name off as benificiary of my life insurance policy and have it “red flagged” domestic violence for over a year. Everyone knows and know that he knows, and acts like it is nothing to be stalked and threatened like that. The minimization of horrendous acts by him is so bizzare. I watched him devolve….tell me things like “the devil was coming to him in his dreams”. When he threatened me this last time (no physical violence, almost wish there had as the psychological terrorism was worse and people are so stuck on the “he didn’t beat you did he” that the covert rape and threats of death are minimized). Pure evil that seems to spread. My counselor equated it to cancer and he is infecting everyone who comes in contact with him. It is hard to live in reality while those he exploits seem to live a totally bizarre universe. I miss the kids I use to know so badly it makes me weak in the knees. I will not allow them to do his degradation on me. I cannot even get belongings of mine from them. Like I have been declared dead or non-existant. Everything is a secret to be kept from me. The double speak is insane..my son goes from “Dad did horrible things to you, I would hate it if anyone did that to me”….to “you’re delusional, you’re dangerous”. The split in his mind and his inability to critically think is horrifying to witness. I did not send my two bright, spirited children to college only to have their father destroy their minds to serve his sickness. God help all of us alienated parents who survived and our children who are being systematically destroyed. Mary Jane
I would like to add that Sandra L Browns website on pathologicals and the book “Stalking The Soul, Emotional Abuse and The Erosion Of Identity” by Marie France Hirigoyen , are both right on for my situation. Stalking the Soul has a very profound insight. Also Gavin de Beckers book “Gift of Fear” explains predatory tactics like “forced teaming”…using “We” to invade anothers individuality. I became aware and uneasy with my ex using that on me at home, and was so pleased that Mr. de Becker had a name for it and called it one of the most sophisticated manipulation tactics for predators. I also have to thank a wonderful EMDR counselor back home who untrauma bonded me and released introjections my ex had bombarded me with. Projection of their sickness onto others because of their inability to be self aware is horrifying in it’s nature. MJ
Thank you for sharing what you have been going through. I appreciate that you shared your story and for reaching out not just to me, but really to the thousands of others who read these articles. You aren’t alone. You aren’t crazy. There are so many alienated parents who are hurt, frustrated, and looking for answers (that was me a couple years ago, back when I didn’t even know it had a name).
It sounds like you’ve learned a lot from your particular situation and I think seeing a therapist, especially one who uses EMDR, is a wonderful way of working through all those complexities that PA brings with it. I’ve suggested to other alienated parents that they might want to reach out to their alienated children and see if they would want to see a therapist together. Find one who really knows about PA and PAS. The last thing you need is to have the therapist begin to alienate you as well.
Thank you for your suggestions–I’m sure they’ll help others out there. PA/PAS has a way of bringing like-minded people together to share in support and in education.
It is my wish, as it is others’ too, that PAS will be recognized eventually for what it is–child abuse. But emotional and psychological abuse is much harder to prove than physical abuse. Your case is unfortunately familiar–the alienator often has a mental illness whether it’s Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or Schizophrenia. This is really tough because children are very impressionable and the alienated parent just wants the other parent to see what they are doing is harming the child–but they can’t. It’s like arguing with a drunk person. The alienator doesn’t see it.
Thanks again for reaching out and telling your story. It sounds like you have some good support in your life. I wish you all the best–let me know what happens. I hope that soon your children will begin to see your ex’s manipulative and destructive tactics, and begin to pull away from that unhealthy and dysfunctional environment.
I have too much emotion to simply say anything on this topic. I live in a county where it is very difficult to tackle this problem…the County Court is run by people who ignore parental alienation. I keep my own blog and share a quote from your blog on parental alienation. I hope to spider and connect the views and thoughts of so many parents affect by this problem.
Even in the States, it is difficult to address the insidiousness of PAS. I am sorry about your loss. The more I research PA, the more I recognize that although there are too many forms to count, they all result in the loss of a child–a needless loss. I am writing a book on the subject, but I find it is difficult to finish it because, as you say, “I have too much emotion to simply say anything…” It’s hard to remain unbiased on a topic that has touched me on such a deep level. I do want to recommend two recent books I’ve been reading: “Divorce Poison” by Richard Warshak and “Breaking the Ties that Bind” by Amy Baker. They are two of the best sources of materials I’ve read (actually I’m RE-reading them!).
As with all challenges, I believe that they all present us with learning opportunities. I am working on unconditional love, the feelings of the lack of control and fairness, that explainer part of me that wants the alienator to just understand the damage has been done/is being done…The more I read it seems, the worse the feelings are sometimes. However, having great support, being positive, educating yourself–all of these things help to balance out the disempowering emotions that are felt.
My heart goes out to every single person who has lost a child due to Parental Alienation. I hope that some day it will be finally labeled as emotional abuse and the courts will address it and sanction it as it should be.